Parenting with Purpose (LHM) Series: Part 5

FOCUS THREE: COMMUNICATION

Communication Breakdowns

In A Tale of Two Cities, Charles Dickens wrote, “It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.” Though written in the 1800s, these words ring true even today. We live in “the best of times.” Never before have people had so many ways of communicating and staying in touch. An executive can be miles away but do his work via computer networks. Text messages can be sent via cell phones and overnight delivery is guaranteed. The ways we can communicate with each other seem endless.

But it is also “the worst of times.” In spite of our many and advanced means of communication, people seem more lonely, isolated, and disconnected than ever before. Some are literally dying from lack of communication. In our busy society, family members can go for days without ever seeing, much less talking to, one another. Neighbors may not know you’ve just lost your son in a car accident. An aged grandmother, retired in Leisure World with thousands of others living just next door, may feel so isolated, so lonely, that she sinks into a deep depression. Now more than ever comes the cry from within our own homes: “Please, somebody with some skin on, ‘reach out and touch me.’ Talk to me.” So what can we do? Consider the following:

To Promote Good Communication

• Unless absolutely necessary, avoid giving “busy signals.” Busy signals sound something like this: “Wait, son, I may have more time later!” “Don’t bother me, honey; Mommy’s tired now.” “Go ask your mother!” If someone gets busy signals often enough, he or she will stop calling. Overnight delivery might be soon enough for a letter, but it’s not enough to mend a broken spirit. Remember, there are no “busy signals” with God, our Heavenly Father.
• Communicate with touch. A computer or television doesn’t smile and hug you! It doesn’t put its arm around you and say, “I love you.” It doesn’t snuggle up and make you feel important. It doesn’t listen to you when you talk and it doesn’t pray with you.
• Choose your words carefully. Words can either build you up or tear you down. There is a verse in the Bible that tells us to “speak the truth, but speak it in love” (see Ephesians 4:15). Think about what that means. Advertisers pay millions of dollars to sell products and ideas. In order to make the best use of the 30 seconds they have, they evaluate every word. Like those producing commercials, you also have only a limited amount of time to communicate with your children. Consider your words prayerfully and carefully.
• Listen! Listen with your heart. Remember, listening is different than hearing. Hearing is simply gathering information to use along the way. But listening is getting inside the other person and understanding what they are thinking and feeling. It means learning to be sensitive to what the other person is feeling and trying to understand what he or she
  is really saying. Is your daughter angry? Such listening requires practice. If we do not know how to listen, we will not know what to say.
• Talk with your child, not at your child. Analyze whether or not your messages are “I-messages” or “you-messages.” An example of a you-message might be, “I told you to pick up your room.” Such a message makes the child defensive or even defiant. In contrast, an I-message describes the behavior in a less accusatory way. It conveys more respect for the child and his or her feelings. “I feel really frustrated when your room is so messy that I can’t find a pathway open enough to put away your clean clothes.” Your child knows what needs to be done. By not telling him what to do, you appeal to his intelligence, trusting that he’ll pick up his room.
• Give the child psychological permission to talk to you about his or her feelings. If your child tells you he or she feels a certain way, don’t proceed to tell her differently. You’ll be sending a dangerous message that feelings are not okay. An effective parent will correctly tag the feeling being expressed, give it a name, and talk openly about it with his or her child.
• Build a secure environment for your child, letting him know that despite what he says or feels, you won’t turn your back. Let your child know that you value him or her unconditionally. Your child needs to know that someone loves him without strings attached—and one of the best things about God is that He lavishes the very same kind of love upon His children.

Have you ever known the frustration of going to a bank to inquire how much you have in your account, and being told, “Sorry the computers are down”? Or you’ve typed an entire document and your computer “locks up,” meaning all you can do is shut it off and lose everything? Children need to know you’re not going to “lock up,” “shut down,” or otherwise abandon them if they say something you don’t like to hear.

Good communication is never easy. It doesn’t just happen. It only occurs and develops as a family works together to make it happen.

Practical Suggestions for Improving Communication

• Make it a point to eat dinner together as often as possible—even in the middle of hectic schedules. One evening, make a recording of your conversation. After you have finished eating, listen to the tape and analyze your conversation. Be honest enough to ask some important questions: Were most of our words negative or positive? Did they build up or tear down? Was there sarcasm? Did our words show love?
• Have family meetings on a regular basis and require that everyone in the family attend. Give each person in the family the opportunity to participate and, when appropriate, help make decisions (within limits, of course). During these meetings, include things such as
  • thanking each other for jobs well done and offering words of encouragement;
  • discussing problems or complaints;
  • reporting on and discussing financial matters and passing out allowances;
  • praying together as a family.
• Consider having a family “Music Night.” Tell each person in the family to pick a favorite CD or tape and to play it for the others. Then talk about what everyone liked or didn’t like about each selection. Let it be a fun time, a time when you practice how to listen to the ideas of others—even if they disagree. One of the important parts of family communication is learning to disagree without being disagreeable.

A Closing Thought

What would happen if tonight, just before you went to bed, you received a telephone call and were told you had just won the sweepstakes? How would you feel when you woke up tomorrow? Now suppose just before going to bed each night, your child hears a word of love and encouragement … might not he or she wake up each morning with a glad spirit?