Parenting with Purpose (LHM) Series: Part 6

FOCUS FOUR: APPRECIATION

We Are Special, but Why?

One way to define self-image is the picture we see of ourselves, either through what we see or what happens around us. Are we shorter or taller than others? Athletic or musical? Grades come easy or I have to work harder? On the other hand, self- esteem can be defined as how we feel about ourselves based on that picture. A healthy self-esteem … a good feeling about yourself doesn’t start with you; instead, it grows out of who you are as created and loved by God. In the Bible we read, “How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called the children of God! And that is what we are!” (1 John 3:1). God has chosen you and He has chosen your child—what more wonderful gift than to be created as a unique individual who is loved beyond comprehension! As a parent, you have the privilege of teaching that to your child.

Ten Commandments to Helping Your Children Know Who They Are

1. Let your child know you love him or her unconditionally. Children need to know you love them not because of what they do but simply because of who they are. A child loved in this way will say, “Mom and Dad don’t like what I did, but I know they still love me.” Such love takes time.
2. Love your child with your words and actions. Affirm him or her by saying, “I love you,” and assure your child with a loving touch on the shoulder.
3. Remember the commitments you make to your child. When you promise it, do it. “When I get home, we’ll go bicycling.” “After dinner, we’ll play CANDY LAND.” In the child’s eyes, good intentions are not enough.
4. Love and respect your child’s mother or father. Security is built in the child when he or she sees love and respect demonstrated among others he or she values.
5. Let your child know how really important he or she is in God’s eyes. Help your children build a sense of self that goes beyond family and friends. Help them see the bigger picture—that they are loved to the greatest extent possible when you consider that God sent His only Son to die so that we can live forgiven for our imperfections.
6. Let your child know there are boundaries and rules. One place to start is to teach your children the clear “rights and wrongs” that God has already established as boundaries. Help your child see in the Bible because He wanted to protect us from harm. Since children will respond positively to rules when they know and believe that the rule-giver loves them and that the rules are for their own good, they’ll also figure out that when you establish rules, you are also doing it out of love for them.
7. Never steal away a child’s feeling of “specialness.” Every child needs to know that he or she is special in one way or another. “You may not have made the basketball team, but you’re the best cheerleader the team has.”
8. Do not hurt your child’s sense of self-esteem. Be quick to encourage and slow to criticize. Watch and catch your child doing something right and affirm him or her for it.
9. Do not place unrealistic expectations upon your child. If your child is not a basketball player, don’t try to make him or her into one just because you played basketball in high school. Love your children for who they are as individuals and help them develop the unique talents God has given them.
10. Apologize when you make a mistake. Given the smallness of their world, children often believe they are the only ones who make mistakes. Children are, after all, the only ones in the family who have to sit in the chair for a 15-minute time- out or get sent to their room. The full meaning of forgiveness, God’s and yours, becomes more real when children come to realize that you are in need of it also.

“I can live for two months on one good compliment.” Mark Twain

Appreciation, or the Lack of It, Is Contagious

Once appreciation is given, there are many tentacles that reach beyond the person being affirmed. When a family member feels appreciated, he or she is going to feel like giving affirmation to other members of the family. Once smiled at, one is more likely to smile at someone else. Once thanked, a child is more likely to return thanks for something received. When one receives a kind word, one is more likely to share a kind word. Affirmation is something you pass on. The lack of it, unfortunately, is also something we pass on in various ways.

Powerful Words and Phrases to Build Courage in Your Children

• I’m so proud of you.
• I can’t tell you how much joy you bring me.
• You so very special!
• Super! Awesome! Incredible!
• Let’s put this on the refrigerator door for everyone to see.
• You know, I couldn’t love you any more than I do.
• Fantastic.
• You’re a winner in my book!
• A #1!
• Your smile makes me smile.
• I’m impressed beyond words.
• I love you!
• I’m glad God made you just the way you are!
• I don’t know what I’d do without you!
• The world is so much better off because of you.
• You’re a great brother (sister)!
• I miss you.
• What a great idea!
• I’m so glad God gave you to us.
• I need you.
• You’re unique.
• Bravo! Way to go!
• I thank God every day for you.
• I believe in you.
• You’re amazing!
• You did it.
• I like just being around you.
• I’ll always be there for you.
• I know you can.
• I wish I had thought of that.