Parenting with Purpose (LHM) Series: Part 7

FOCUS FIVE: CRISIS MANAGEMENT

“Out of the Mouths of Babes”

We need only to listen closely to children to understand the meaning of the word “crisis.”

• “This is my grandmother. She has a mad face because she argues with my mom all the time. They always fight about who’s going to do the dishes.” – John, a second-grader
• “My grandma and grandpa live in Wisconsin so I never see them. They are still mad at my parents because we moved out to California. They still write to us but they think that we are ‘airhead Californians’ with blond hair and no brains. They also think we are always on a diet … ” – A junior high student
• “Dad, don’t lay a guilt trip on me. You know everyone’s doing it. In your day, maybe it was different, but that’s not the way it is today. … It’s like I heard on television the other night, ‘A man is a lot of things, but he’s not a virgin!’” – Carl, an 18-year- old, in a letter to his father telling his father his 16-year-old girlfriend is pregnant with his baby
• “… Every adult I’ve ever met is a hypocrite. They say you can’t watch R-rated movies, but they watch them all the time. Adults say you can’t drink, but they drink. They say you can’t swear, but they cuss ….” – Karen, 15 years old, in an essay for school
• “My mom doesn’t like any of my friends. In fact, she hates them ….” – Molly, 13 years old, in a letter to her friend 9

Your Manner of Handling Conflict Is What’s Important

All of us have gleaned and adopted certain patterns of behavior from our own parents, including the way we handle conflict. Now would be a good time to stop and ask yourself, “Did my parents handle conflict in a healthy way? Do I handle it in the same way? Do I need to change my way of handling conflict?”

The health of a family does not depend on whether or not they have conflict, because every family will have conflict. What we need to think about is how conflicts are handled. Consider the following suggestions for dealing with conflict in a healthy, positive, constructive manner:

• Identify the conflict. Too often, fights are so general it’s hard to identify the real reason for the conflict. John Dewey said, “A problem well-defined is half-solved.” Kara gets yelled at for this and that—for not helping around the house, for being impolite—when what mom is really worried about is the meaning of the condoms found in Kara’s purse and the fear that she could be sexually involved with her boyfriend.
• “There is a time for everything … ” wrote the wise King Solomon. There is also a right time and place for handling conflict. We do not need to hang out dirty laundry for everyone to see. Neither should we embarrass our children or ourselves by handling conflict in the wrong places at the wrong times.
• Demonstrate respect. If we fail to show respect for our children, we shouldn’t be surprised if they don’t show respect toward us. Family members in the middle of a conflict can still show respect by listening patiently and courteously in an attempt to understand the other person’s point of view, even if they disagree.
• Avoid sabotaging. Pouting and refusing to talk about the issue at hand is a technique often passed down from generation to generation. Some people can live in the same house and not talk to each other for weeks, because they’re sulking about something. Nothing can be resolved if people in conflict refuse to communicate.
• Identify options. Any conflict resolution requires that we look at all of the options. Be creative in solving the problem. Too often people consider only two options for resolving conflict: “You win, I lose” or “I win, you lose.” Work instead to make it a “win/win” situation for all.
• Pray together. Include prayers asking forgiveness for the mistakes you’ve made. Trust in the forgiveness Jesus has earned for you. Ask Him to help you work toward your conflict’s resolution and for help in dealing with your emotions. It’s hard to stay angry for very long if you are all praying together.A Family Reminder

  Sit down together as a family and make up your own “Ten Commandments of Fighting Fair.” Write them on a large poster board and post them where everyone will see them at least once a day. Here are the commandments of one family:

  Our Family’s Commandments on Handling Conflict

  1. We will pinpoint what we are angry about and ask God to help us deal appropriately with our anger.

  2. We will never punish with the silent treatment.
  3. We will admit when we’re wrong and ask each other for forgiveness.
  4. We will lower our voices several decibels when angry.

  5. We will avoid exaggerations.
  6. We will avoid attacking each other’s character.
  7. We will verbalize how we’re feeling.
  8. We will have a lay-away plan for problems if we are too angry to discuss them at the present time.

  9. We will all take responsibility for a solution to the problem.  10.We will speak the truth in love.

Helping Children Cope with a Major Crisis—Divorce

• Tell them, over and over, they are loved.
• Assure them you are not divorcing them. (“Daddy left us. Will you leave us also?”)
• Assure them that the divorce is not their fault and that the conflict was between mom and dad!
• Don’t use the children to get back at each other!
• Arrange for them to have as few changes in their lives as possible, such as the school they attend or the home in which they live.
• Don’t take responsibility for trying to tell the children what kind of father or mother they have; children will gauge for themselves with time what they are like.
• Don’t load the children down with all the gruesome details of the divorce.
• Talk and talk some more about hurts and pains the children are feeling over the divorce.
• Let the crisis of divorce be an opportunity to teach valuable lessons on how we are to treat one another. God’s Word is filled with what God desires for His people. Learn from God’s Word how to treat everyone involved with respect and forgiveness.
• Consider turning to God’s Word as a family, reading it together or going to church where you can—on a regular basis— hear His promise to be with you and give you strength to face the crises of today and tomorrow.