FOCUS ONE: COMMITMENT

Definitions of the Word “Commitment”

Commitment is …
• reading your son a bedtime story even though you’d rather watch the last quarter of the Monday night football game. • hugging someone even when you don’t feel like it!
• … in sickness or in health …”1
• “nobody gets fired when you’re family!”
• keeping a promise even when you have a legitimate excuse to break it.

Consider this: “Commitment is one of life’s high risk adventures. For when we commit ourselves to others, we look into a future that is not going to be quite like the present, and we promise that we will be there—truly present … consistently car- ing—with people who may not be able to give us all we had expected from them. And the way we will make our commitment work is not by contract, not by force, but by the risky personal gift of trust.”

Ask yourself: What is the level of commitment I am investing in my family? Do I value commitment or am I suffering from “commitment-phobia”?

The Disease of Commitment-Phobia

“Commitment-phobia” can well be defined as the unwillingness to make commitments or to sacrifice oneself for the sake of values or ideals. Almost as contagious as the common cold, commitment-phobia seems to be everywhere. Do you know someone at work who tries to get by with as little as possible? When was the last time you heard someone say, “Don’t do more than you’re asked or you’ll be asked to do more”? You’ve probably noticed how hard it is to get the players on your child’s basketball or hockey team to come to all the practices, yet they still want to play the game.

Which leads right into the definition of commitment-phobia as an unwillingness to bind or obligate oneself to something or someone. What could be the cause of this? It could be all sorts of things; perhaps it’s the fear of rejection, the fear of getting hurt, the fear of giving up one’s “freedom,” or even the fear of cost.

But parenting with purpose requires commitment! Consider the following:

  • The United States is at the top of the divorce rate charts. Almost one out of 2.8 marriages end up in divorce.
  • Up to 72 percent of all married men are not monogamous after two or more years of marriage.
  • Up to 65 percent of all married women cheat at some time during marriage. 1
  • Child abuse has risen 500 percent in the last ten years. One in four girls under 12 today will be sexually abused in her lifetime.
  • Of the 3.6 million children who began schooling in 1986, 14 percent were children of unmarried parents, 40 percent will live in a broken home before they reach 18, and approximately 25 percent are latchkey children with no one to greet them when they come home from school.
  • For each of the 3.6 million babies born annually in the United States, two other children die through abortion.
  • Every 30 minutes, approximately 20 teens attempt suicide.

So, what are the symptoms and signs of commitment-phobia? What should you watch out for?

  • “Let’s play house and see if it works out before we tie the knot!”
  • “This is forever (as long as we feel the same way about one another)!”
  • “How can I love a woman who is double the size she was when I married her?”
  • “I couldn’t care less that I’m three months behind in paying child support!”

And if you are diagnosed with commitment-phobia, what hope is there?
• Let’s start with the fact that you aren’t perfect. No matter what commitments we try to fulfill, in some way, shape, or form, we all make mistakes. But don’t lose heart. Even when you make the wrong decision or you blow it along the way, there is hope; U-turns are allowed.

Have you ever thought about what forgiveness means? It means picking up the broken pieces and putting them back together. It means that you don’t need to live under the guilt of breaking promises to others. And it means letting go of the hurt someone else has caused. And the good news is that even though you aren’t perfect—you are forgiven!
In the Christian Bible we find many references to forgiveness and it is in the Bible that we find the perfect example of forgiveness. Jesus Christ took every one of our broken promises and the hurts we have suffered to the cross where He died for your sake and mine. He took the guilt of every offense upon Himself so that we could be offered the gift of forgiveness. He forgives us and helps us forgive others. Forgiveness is crucial for making commitments and honoring them.

Take some risk, trusting that God will empower you to keep your commitments. In the Bible we find the following verse: “I can do everything through Him who gives me strength” (Philippians 4:13).

And don’t forget to seek support from others for help in keeping your promises. Trust that they’ll be there for you.

Commitment-Phobia—Preventative Care for Your Children

  • Give your children a spiritual foundation. Help them learn that God loves them and forgives them. Admit when you have made a mistake and ask them to forgive you. It is from such a foundation that true and honest commitment to each other grows.
  • Keep the promises you make to your children. Good intentions aren’t enough!
  • Keep the promises you make to others. Remember, your children “want to be like you someday.”
  • Communicate and show in what you say and do that there are some principles and values worth sacrifice.
  • Love them enough to establish boundaries and to reward and discipline them accordingly.
  • Give them your time and love; let them know they can depend on you.
  • Provide a secure and safe environment in which open and honest communication can take place.

Commitment = Discipline

Every parent faces the problem of discipline. How much? What kind? When? Questions about discipline are part of parenting because disobedience is part of life. When a child does not respond to set rules, there must be some discipline. Sometimes parents choose the easiest, most immediate way of correcting—punishment (e.g., verbal abuse, spankings). Though these actions may correct the child for a moment, unhealthy consequences can come out of such forms of discipline. Verbal abuse and spankings may, for example, subtly program recipients to believe that exerting power is an appropriate way of getting certain results. In turn, your child begins to bully others younger or more fragile. In addition, using these types of discipline often means the consequence for misbehavior is not logically related to the situation.

If responsibility is a process of making choices and accepting the consequences of those choices, then disciplining through logical consequences makes more sense. By letting children experience the consequences of what they did wrong, parents teach children the realities of adult life. (If you’re late to work enough times, the consequence is that you won’t have a job for very long.) A consequence is called logical when it’s logical to the person experiencing it. For example, if your teenager refuses to keep her room clean, a logical consequence might be to hire a cleaning service and take the fee out of your daughter’s allowance. A logical consequence is just what it says—logical, a result directly related to the action.

Guidelines in Facilitating Logical Consequences

  • Give your child choices such as “either, or” or “when, then.”
  • Make the consequence fit the misbehavior.
  • Once the consequence is chosen and agreed upon, put it into play when the misbehavior occurs, not a few days later.
  • Speak to your child about the consequence, not in anger, but in love.
  • Once completed, try to “catch your child” doing something right and give him affirmation.

Consider this quote from a parent: “We never said ‘no’ to our children, so they never learned how to say ‘no’ to themselves. Now they care about nothing but themselves in a time that celebrates not caring.”

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1. Undressing Infidelity: Why More Wives are Unfaithful, Diane Shader Smith, Adams Media Corporation, 2005.

2. Statistics from various sources compiled by the author. 3. “The Estate Sale,” A White Lion Pictograph production of a James F. Robinson film.