Parenting with Purpose (LHM) Series: Part 4

FOCUS TWO: TIME SPENT TOGETHER

“If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.”

A survey was taken of more than 1,500 children. They were asked, “What do you think makes a happy family?” The vast majority said, “Doing things together!”1 Children enjoyed doing everything from raking leaves to assembling a new toy as long as they could do these things with their parents and others important to them.

Microwaveable Potatoes and Beautiful Well-Adjusted Children: The Fallacy of Quality Time

Look around. We live in a world of megabytes and microwaves, of automatic tellers and convenience stores, of instant potatoes and instant coverage of events 5,000 miles away. Because of technology we have become a people used to instant everything.

As a result, we seem to think we can have beautiful well-adjusted children with “microwaveable” quality time. But while cooked potatoes might be possible in only a few minutes, a quality relationship with your child takes time.

Though quality time is important, quality time rarely comes without quantity. When you spend a lot of time with your children you’ll discover things called “teachable moments,” spontaneous opportunities for talking about something that can’t be scheduled in advance. It takes time to laugh with your child, to trust enough to share a special secret, to know how the other person feels!

No matter how one looks at it, you cannot build a family on a catch-as-catch-can basis by using whatever time is left over. Many doors only open once. And the scary thing is that if we’re not there, others are willing to entice and seduce our children down the wrong path. Is that what you want?

The problem is not that you need to find more time; we all have the same amount of time. Instead, the problem is that we sometimes fail to use our time wisely, and later we regret it.

Most of us would like to spend more time with our children. But the question is, “How?” As in everything we do, planning is important. The saying is correct: “If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.”

Here are some suggestions for things you can do to change the way you manage time with your child:

• Plan to spend a minimum of 10 minutes a day with each child individually, making sure the child knows the time is for him or her alone.
• Plan a time when you can take each child out for a meal and some conversation!
• Plan not to find more time, but to use the time you have more wisely (e.g., give up an hour of television watching for an hour with your child).

• Plan to pray for your child while waiting in line at the grocery store or in a traffic jam.
• Plan to learn something about your child’s hobby or favorite sport and share with him or her what you have learned (e.g., read a book about soccer).Eternal Instants

  Max Lucado, author of God Came Near, writes about things he calls “eternal instants.” He defines eternal instants as “a picture that froze in mid-frame, demanding to be savored … a moment that reminds you of the treasures surrounding you. Your home. Your peace of mind. Your health. A moment that tenderly rebukes you for spending so much time on preoccupations such as savings accounts, houses, and punctuality. A moment that can bring mist to the manliest of eyes and perspective to the darkest life.”

  We’ve all had such times. Eternal instants. Moments we savor and hold on to. Moments providing tiny glimpses of what heaven must certainly be like. How about the first time you saw your newborn child? You were certain she was the most beautiful child you’d ever seen! Or the night your child needed to sleep in your bed and you stayed awake talking. These eternal instants are important, “because they remind us that everything is okay.” 4

  Think about some of your special eternal instants. Why not begin recording them in a special diary? On those days when you wonder whether or not everything is okay, open your diary and remember that God loves you and is there for you.

  Have I Taken the Time to …

• teach our family history and culture to my child (either through telling stories or even making a video, writing a letter, or sharing a diary)?
• pass along timeless truths to my child (e.g., “Once a family, always a family”)?
• help my child wrestle with the answer to life’s ultimate question, “What happens to me when I die?”Taking Time to Read to Your Child

  Experts tell us that the huge number of DVDs and video games that are played, as well as the massive amount of time we watch television, has caused harm in a number of ways. For example, children read less and are read to less, because parents now have an electronic substitute. They can plop their child down in front of screen instead of taking the time to cozy up to them and read a good book. A survey showed that 90 percent of school-age children think television is more fun than reading and 82 percent prefer video games to reading.”5

  At the same time, experts tell us that reading is one of the most important ways to build a strong, close relationship between parent and child. Like anything else, a parent who reads to his child does so because he or she makes a conscious decision to set aside some time to do so. You can decide what books are appropriate by the age of your child and what the book is about. If your child is old enough, you can take turns reading to each other. But what’s most important is that you spend the time reading with your child.

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1. “Six Secrets of Strong Families,” Reader’s Digest, Nick Stinnett and John DeFrain, November 1987, p. 133.
2. “Where Kids Spend their Time,” USA TODAY, Marcia Staimer, June 14, 1989, ID.
3. God Came Near, Max Lucado, Portland: Multnomah Press, 1987, p. 41.
4. Ibid., p. 41.
5. “Read Me a Story,” Los Angeles Times, Elizabeth Mehren, September 18, 1991, Sec. E, p. 1.